Rose and Alan's Christmas
by cheri1
Summary: Rose/Alan. Part of my Something Old, Something New series. It's nearly Christmas and Rose and Alan are gearing up for the holiday on New Gallifrey. FINISHED.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: This story is a part of my Something Old, Something New series. Please check my profile page to see what the stories are in the series and in what order they should be read.

Chapter One

Rose sipped a mug of tea while she relaxed in her recliner. Alice, her Alsatian, was lying beside it, head on her paws while she snoozed. Rose was looking at a magazine called New Gallifrey. It was a magazine that reported on the various goings on around the planet and the new innovations the scientists were coming up with. She was reading an article about a project several scientists and historians were working on. They were hoping to make a museum about Old Gallifrey and its past, complete with animatronic figures. She'd heard about this before since a four man team of historians approached the Doctor to get his input on it and permission to contribute the likeness of his former selves for some of the animatronics. The Doctor had been less than thrilled about it, figured it was a bunch of schmaltz and something akin to a tourist trap but he decided that if he did help out, it would be more educational and less schmaltzy. He was currently on the other side of the planet with his wife and children assisting the historians while Alan was away tending to the organic farm he had purchased several months ago. Alan had taken his dog, Speck, with him so apart from Alice; she was the only one in the house.

It was nearly Christmas now and the house was decorated for the season. A large tree stood by their fireplace and Christmas lights outlined the windows. Everything was lit along with a roaring fire and the whole thing added to the coziness Rose felt. As she read the article, she half listened to the buzzlike activity of thoughts inside her head, the consciousness of others on the planet that was part of the shared hive mind of the Time Lords and Ladies. Currently, the buzz was faint and indistinct. There were billions of people on the planet and so no single thought could be made out. But if she concentrated and pulled someone's mind forward, she could hear them clearly. Reading the article made her curious about the Doctor and what he was up to so she instinctively reached into the morass of thoughts, found her adopted brother and pulled his mind forward. She sensed his boredom first off along with a slight twinge of annoyance. At the moment, he seemed to be daydreaming about being home at Christmas with his family although as she kept up her surveillance, the daydream was interrupted by thoughts and memories of Old Gallifrey and she assumed he was being questioned by the historians and was probably half listening to them while he daydreamed and then focusing on Old Gallifrey when they asked him a question. Then once the question was finished, he apparently went back to daydreaming again since the memories never lasted more than a minute or two.

While she shared his daydream about eating a big plate of turkey, mashed potatoes and stuffing, she reached out to him and gave his mind an affectionate nudge. She grinned when the daydream froze with him about to eat a huge slice of turkey and then his mind went blank. She had masked her identity to him when she gave him the nudge so she sensed him reaching out and probing her mind to ascertain her identity. Then he stopped just as he got to one of her memories and she saw another flash of Old Gallifrey and what she assumed was him as a young boy playing with Koschei in the fields of red grass. She masked her identity and nudged him again and again, the probing started so she decided to help him out by projecting an image of her face into his consciousness.

_Oh, it's you_, he thought to her. _Shoulda known._

_Bored? _Rose thought back to him while she took a sip of tea.

_Beyond bored. I don't like being here and I don't like being questioned about my past by a bunch of Starbucks swigging berks. I have better things to do than this. _

_So why did you agree to it,_ Rose thought as she put her tea down on the table beside her.

_Because I dread to think what this amusement park ride would look like without my input,_ he thought back to her. _Wait a tic, gotta answer another question like the trained monkey that I am._

Rose saw another image of Gallifrey, this time of the Citadel while she read the article. She glanced up when she heard the sound of a TARDIS in the garage and she knew Alan was home.

_Sorry, rather be chatting with you than put on the spot,_ the Doctor thought back to her. _So…what is going on? Where are you? You're thinking about this project as well, although for the life of me, I can't think why._

_That's because I'm reading a magazine article about it…and Alan just came home from the farm,_ Rose added when she heard him calling to her from the garage.

Before she could say anything more, the garage door burst open.

"I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BALL!" Alan shrieked as he entered the room. "I WANNA SEE MY ROSY DOLL! MY BODY IS VERY SMALL BUT IT'S SE-EH-EH-XY!"

Alice got up and bounded over to Alan while Speck entered behind him. Alan bent down and ruffled Alice's fur while she licked his face.

"So!" Alan said, jerking upright. "I caught you at last!"

Rose frowned when he jabbed his finger at her.

"Caught me at what?" she said.

"Having an affair. I know that's what you do while I'm off milking cows. Come now, it's Brazz with the gimpy leg, isn't it?"

_Your brother is back and he's in rare form,_ Rose thought to the Doctor.

_So what else is new,_ the Doctor thought back.

"Wait, it's Clive with the cellulitis, am I right?" Alan said, walking over to her while the dogs followed him.

"No, it's Jack with the huge penis," Rose said to him.

Alan froze, feigning shock.

"Not…Jack Jack," he said.

"Yes, Jack Jack. I go to Torchwood while you're down on the farm."

She giggled when Alan feigned disgust at that.

"He's zillions of years old, how could you, my spousal unit?" Alan said.

"And you're not zillions of years old?" Rose challenged.

"No. I mean, you're the one that zapped him and made him into the walking dead. Who knows how long he lived before he ran back to the Doctor with me in tow. I was just a pitiful thing in a jar back then. I'm young compared to him and yet….eeeeeeeeew," he said, making a face. "I would have guessed you capable of many things, Starlight, but never necrophilia."

"Oh, shut up," Rose said while he chuckled and leaned in for a kiss. "How was your day then?"

"It was filled with bovines and milking but I'm getting the hang of it now. And you, how did sex with Jack go?"

"It was like shagging the walking dead."

"Thought so," Alan said, nodding.

"By the way, I am telepathically communicating with your brother. They are still in Astraia with the boffins."

Alan made another face.

"Order him to return this instant for coffee and merriment," he said to her. "Why is he agreeing to talk to them anyway? We could make our own history of Gallifrey park thingy and charge our own admission for it."

"He doesn't want them to muck up his childhood and bring shame upon the house of Lungbarrow, among other things," Rose said.

Alan rolled his eyes.

"Tell him to return post haste while I go pee," he said as he walked past her to the stairs.

_You are to return post haste for coffee and merriment and you must do it while Alan is peeing_, Rose thought to the Doctor.

_And what do I tell the berks then,_ he thought back.

_Tell them you must return post haste for coffee and merriment and you must do it while your brother is peeing, _Rose thought.

"I DON'T HEAR HIS TAAAAAAAARDIIIIIIS!" Alan yelled from upstairs. "I HAVE FINISHED PEEING AND YET, THERE IS NO TARDIS SOUND IN MY EARS!"

_He's finished peeing. Time's up,_ Rose thought to the Doctor.

_Tell him if I don't stay here and answer questions, the berks will skin me and wear my skin like a suit._

Rose yelled that up to Alan and waited for his response. She glanced up when there was no reply and she shook her head

_He's not replying. He must be in shock that you didn't do his bidding,_ Rose thought to the Doctor.

_No. He's up to something. I can just see it now. He's going to take Daisy, come over here and force me inside._

Rose was about to think back when she heard stomping on the stairs. She got up and saw Alan stomping down with his toothbrush in his hand, a determined look on his face while Alice and Speck followed him.

_Ought oh, he's armed with his toothbrush, this is getting serious,_ Rose thought to the Doctor.

Alan stomped over to her and stopped. He stood ramrod straight, his arm crooked and his toothbrush in his right hand out and only inches from her left breast.

"Did I hear you say no in response to my demand for coffee and merriment?" he said to her.

"Yeah, he can't come because he will be physically harmed if he leaves," Rose says. The berks will skin him alive."

"I am a force to be reckoned with, Madam!" Alan said imperiously to her. "He may be the Oncoming Storm but I have certified papers saying I can't be left alone under any circumstances or things go splody. Do you want things to go splody, Madam? Because I can make it happen if I am displeased! Things go splody when my wrath is unleashed."

Rose gave him a mild look and made a big show of yawning.

"Splody! I'm warning you!" Alan said, touching the tip of her nose with the back of his toothbrush. "And now I must go unleash my splody on the boffins so they'll leave my brother alone!"

"Alan, wait, just let him be. Just calm down and he'll be home soon," Rose said.

"I can't make splody?" Alan said.

Rose giggled at the pout on his face.

"Make Speck go splody if you must," she replied, touching his cheek.

"Speck is my helpmate. How 'bout Alice?"

"No, leave Alice alone."

"Blast. I need splody. I crave it!"

"No, sit here," Rose said, taking his hand and leading him to her chair. "Rest and think of…unicorns."

"Unicorns go splody?" Alan said as he sat down in the chair.

"Yes, think about unicorns go splody and I'll bring you a cup of tea."

"Very well, my thirst for death is assuaged at the moment, you may proceed with tea," Alan said.

Rose chuckled and kissed the top of his head.

"You're certifiable but I love you just the same," she said softly to him.

"I will bask in your love then until you return with tea for me," Alan said happily.

"Good. No splody then."

"Not even a little splody?"

"No, no splody whatsoever."

"Can I fart?"

He grinned impishly when Rose tried to keep a straight face.

"Yes, you may break wind," she said.

"Enough to make splody?" Alan said hopefully.

"Only if you confine the splody to your pants."

"That's doable," Alan said with a nod.

Rose chuckled. Alan smiled when she nuzzled his cheek and let out a contented sigh when she left to get him some tea.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

The Doctor sighed inwardly. It was nearing two and a half hours now and there was no sign of the interview ending. Rain and his daughters were with him which helped make the day tolerable but he still felt that familiar itch to run off and go somewhere and do something. Even a trip to Skaro would be preferable to this. The historians were young, much younger than he and all of them had an aura of arrogance about them. He guessed they weren't much older than 150, barely out of adolescence but with the cockiness of teenagers. Most people treated him with respect and deference because of who he was and his legendary past but these historians were openly condescending to him and it rankled him. He hated being a part of this but he hated what might happen if these teenagers were left to build the museum on their own without his input.

Finally, he asked for a break and hurried to the tea trolley in the waiting room when they granted it. His wife and children were waiting for him and he breathed a sigh of relief when he saw them. There were a couple of overstuffed black leather sofas with matching recliners in the room along with a few black cherry-wood tables. Rain was sitting on the end of one and Hope was curled up beside her fast asleep while the other daughters sat and read magazines or played with their Iphones. Rain smiled at her husband when he walked over to her.

"Finished?" she said to him.

The Doctor let out a sarcastic laugh in response and Rain rolled her eyes and grinned before accepting a kiss from him.

"Far from finished. In fact, I'm thinking about sending in Jenny and Emi to destroy them so we can get outta here," he said as Tara got up and made room for him beside Hope.

"Seriously, Father?" Emi said.

The girls snickered while the Doctor pretended to consider that.

"So at my command, you would go in there and kill then?" the Doctor said to Emi.

"If that is your wish, Father," Emi said while Jenny giggled.

"Hmm," the Doctor said while his children laughed harder. "Normally, I would forbid it but these idiots have been rude and condescending towards me. So for the first time in my life, I might allow my children to kill for me."

"You wouldn't do that, you're too nice," Hope said, opening one eye.

The girls giggled while the Doctor stared at her long and hard.

"Do we know each other?" he finally said while Hope snickered. "I seem to recall bringing you up but you don't seem to know the real me. Have you been asleep your entire life?"

Hope shook her head and grinned when her father winked at her. The Doctor frowned when Tara got up and headed towards the door.

"And where might you be going then?" he asked her.

"I'm going to tell those historians to piss off and go to Hell because…"

Everyone laughed when the Doctor leapt up and ran in front of her.

"My life is already complicated enough without making these berks mad. Sit down this instant and…"

_WHERE ARE YOOOOOOOU? _

The Doctor jerked his head back when Alan's voice screamed through his mind. The intensity of the scream was so powerful that the Doctor staggered back and put his hand to the side of his head.

"Doctor, what's wrong?" Rain said.

"My brother screamed into my mind, that's what's wrong," the Doctor said.

"I would say which brother but I think I know already," Rain said dryly.

"Well, Rose said he's wanting me to come home for coffee and merriment or something like that," the Doctor said, walking back to her with Tara at his side.

"I wouldn't mind it," Rain said while her daughters nodded in agreement. "You need a break, hon. I have a feeling no matter what you say, these idiots are going to ignore you and do what they want anyway, even if that means making you look bad."

The Doctor nodded and slid down into a sofa opposite her.

"I'm on the council, surely I could go through legal channels and get it stopped since I don't want it in the first place," he said to her.

Rain shrugged.

"I dunno but I have a feeling if you don't answer the Loon in the next few minutes, he's going to scream into your mind again," she said.

"Yeah, better do that before his next mental scream blows my brains out of my ears," he said.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"He's not answering me," Alan said sullenly as he sat on the sofa inside his lounge.

"He's busy, Alan," Rose said as she sat in her chair. "Do you like people bothering you when you're busy."

"Depends on what I'm doing at the moment," Alan said.

"Look. Why don't you get the Christmas tree out and put it up," Rose said.

"Because I want to wait till Brother gets here. Besides, I'm not in the mood for putting it up…unless I can make it go splody," he said with a twinkle in his eye.

Rose giggled while Alan gazed at her lovingly.

"There is the tree in the central plaza, the big tree they put up every year. You could make that go splody," she teased.

She giggled when Alan raised his eyebrows and shot her a bemused look.

"You mean you're sanctioning my need for splody?" he said with a lopsided grin.

"Well…I never liked that tree; they put too many decorations on it. It looks gaudy," Rose said innocently as she picked up her magazine and opened it. "I'd rather see it on fire and in pieces."

Alan chuckled. He shifted so he was lying straight out with his hands folded on his chest while he gazed up at the ceiling. Rose watched him for a moment.

"Oh my God, he's actually calm for a change," she said, turning her attention to her magazine. "After hundreds of years, he finally mellowed out."

"I was just remembering our first Christmas together," Alan said while he stared up at the ceiling. "You and me and Awinita, our little family."

Rose smiled and nodded.

"The family that grew," she said, turning a page.

"Too right. But for that moment, it was just the three of us on a quest for fun and adventure. Then we found Rainy and things went downhill after that."

"You love her and you know it," Rose said. "You just like to pretend she's a pain in the arse."

"Are you sure it's pretending, sometimes it feels real," Alan mused while Rose rolled her eyes and grinned. "But then again, I must love her since I've tolerated her this long without going splody on her arse. Then again, if I make her go splody, Brother will give me another time out, probably on a beach in another universe so I better not."

_Okay, I'm here which is a good thing since you nearly killed me the last time with your scream, what do you need?_

"Brother answered me back," Alan said to Rose.

"Tell him not to listen to you," Rose said, turning the page of her magazine.

_Rose says not to listen to me,_ Alan thought to him.

_Rose is very wise,_ the Doctor thought to him. _What do you need?_

_Come here._

_I can't._

_Why not?_

_Because I'm busy. Go milk some cows and I'll be home soon._

_Milked them. Come here._

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Let me guess, Dumbass is pestering you again," Rain said when she noticed the exasperated look on her husband's face.

"He wants me to come to his place immediately," the Doctor said.

"Good," Hope said, hopping up from the sofa.

"Ah-ah-ah," the Doctor said, leaping up and jumping in front of her when he saw her heading for the door. "Where are you going, Little Miss?"

"Uncle Alan. This is boring. I want some fun," Hope said when the Doctor put his hand on her chest and stopped her.

The Doctor was about to explain why they couldn't go yet when he suddenly got an idea. Rain raised her eyebrow when the Doctor suddenly sniggered and reached into his trouser pocket.

"Uh-oh, what are you doing?" Rain said to him.

The Doctor pulled out his spare vortex manipulator and winked at her while he put it on his daughter's wrist.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

Rose walked into the kitchen in search of a cup of tea. She decided to put the kettle on in case Alan wanted some. While she was running the tap, Rose felt Alan come up behind her while their dogs flanked them. Rose smiled when Alan put his chin on the top of her head and sighed contentedly through his nose while he put his arms around her stomach. Rose patted his hand and kept it there while Alan kissed the top of her head.

"You mean the universe to me, Starlight," he murmured while Rose leaned back into his embrace. "When I said we could grow old together, I never imagined that might mean centuries but being with you, you've made the centuries fly as if they were mere minutes."

"And you've kept things interesting," Rose said as Alan tightened his embrace. "You're a bit exasperating at times but I wouldn't trade you for anything."

"Not even Jack?"

He giggled when Rose titled her head up at him.

"You still think I'm shagging him, eh?" she said.

"I know you have affairs when I'm off milking the cows. You have whole harems in here; I just haven't caught you in the act yet. I need to borrow K9 from Sarah; he'll tell me what's really going on in here."

"And what will you do when you find out?" Rose said, reaching up to stroke his cheek.

"Join in," Alan said. "I'll have to push everyone out of the way, of course. And I'll have to beat Jack off with a prybar but it's doable."

"Just make them all go splody, dear."

"Nah, I like them as people. I'd rather not splody them."

Alan jerked his head around when he heard a knock on the door.

"Whoo! We have company! Maybe it's Brother coming to his senses!" he yelled as he ran off, leaving Rose to giggle to herself while she put the kettle under the tap.

Alan sped towards the door, threw it open and stopped short when he saw Hope standing there.

"Hi," she said. "I am here because Daddy's busy and can't come and he doesn't want me going to tell the stupid people they're stupid and embarrass him."

She laughed when Alan slammed the door shut in her face. She heard Rose in the distance ask Alan who that was before he opened the door again with a huge grin on his face.

"Step inside," he said, gesturing to the interior as he stepped aside.

Hope walked inside and waved at Rose when she came into the lounge to see what was going on.

"Brother sent a tiny replacement to represent him and also because it seems Hopey was about to tell the berks off," Alan said to his wife as he shut the door.

"It's stupid being there," Hope said, walking towards Rose. "It's boring and they keep on asking Daddy questions and I fell asleep waiting for him. I want some fun."

"Well, come inside the kitchen. I was about to make some tea," Rose said, putting her arm around him. "You can help us put up the Christmas tree if you want."

"Ooo, I can help. We put up our tree the other day," Hope said as Alan followed them into the kitchen.

She petted the dogs when they hurried to greet her the moment they entered the kitchen. Rose put the kettle on the burner while Alan looked in the fridge.

"Hungry then?" he asked Hope.

"A bit. It's been ages since Daddy started talking and I think I missed lunch," Hope said, walking over to him.

"Miss lunch? He's neglectful, he is," Alan said, peering into the fridge. "I s'pose we can fix you up a couple of sandwiches and some soup for the moment. Is that okay?"

Hope nodded and helped him make lunch while Rose finished making the tea. When everything was finished, they sat at the table and ate lunch while the dogs ate their food. While Rose ate her turkey sandwich, she felt a nudge from the Doctor and tuned into his mind.

_Is Hope there,_ he thought to her.

_Yeah, she's here. We fixed her lunch._

_We're not inconveniencing you? She wanted to leave this place and I thought she could visit you and Alan._

_No, it's fine. Alan was hungry for company. They can put up the Christmas tree after we eat._

_Good. She's the youngest and waiting wore her out. She was asleep when I went on break. I'm stuck here for the moment but she doesn't have to be here with me. _

_How long are you going to be there? _Rose thought to him.

_Not much longer if I have anything to say about it. I'm knackered as well and this is ridiculous. Just give me a few more hours and we'll be round._

_Come in through the garage, I'll leave it unlocked. _

The Doctor thanked her and cut off the conversation. She told Alan what was going on and he beamed.

"Hurray, your father is coming to his senses," Alan said to Hope.

"Good," Hope said as he helped her aunt and uncle clean up. "Those people are stupid. They hate Daddy."

"They hate him?" Rose said, looking over her shoulder while she put some of the food back in the fridge. "How'd ya mean?"

"Mommy said they give him a hard time and look down on him. I think because he's important and done more things than they did. They get really snotty sometimes when they talk to him."

Rose and Alan shared a glance.

"He calls them berks but I didn't know they were showing him disrespect and giving him a hard time," Rose said to Alan.

"I told you he needs to stop kowtowing to them and acting like this project of theirs is all important. He has better things to do than suffer through the third degree with those losers. He wants to preserve Old Gallifrey's memory and they're taking advantage of that. And if Hope is right, they're not gonna listen to him. They'll make him look like a fool to the rest of the planet. He needs to stop humoring them."

Alan paused when suddenly an idea struck him. Rose raised her eyebrow when she saw the evil grin spread over his face.

"Alan, whatever you're thinking of…" she said.

"I'm thinking of doing a bit of a switch with Brother and answering their questions in my own inimitable fashion," he said, walking over to Rose. "Starlight, it'd be different if they treated him with respect but they're not doing that and they won't honor his legacy. So why not have some fun with this?"

"Yeah, Uncle Alan, go tease 'em and make them mad," Hope said, tugging on his hand.

"Starlight, let Brother come here and relax, I'll handle these idiots," Alan said.

Rose thought that over before pulling the Doctor and his family's minds forward and explaining Alan's plan to him. Alan tapped into Rose's mind and listened into the conference call, hoping his brother would go along with his plan. When she finished, there was silence from the Doctor but Rose sensed his hesitation and she knew he was weighing the need to get back at the disrespectful idiots with the possible damage Alan might do with his phony interview.

_Look, Doctor,_ Rose thought to him. _Normally, I would tell Alan to back down but if what Hope says is true, I have a feeling this museum thing of theirs might disgrace you. If all they're doing is trying to humiliate you, I say let Alan have his fun and we can go to the council and alert them. If they're trying to do damage to Old Gallifrey's history, they could interfere and shut them down._

The Doctor didn't answer and Rose heard his children urging him to go along with the plan.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The Doctor looked at his wife.

"What do you think? You haven't said anything," he said to her.

"Hon, even though I'm cringing thinking about what Alan will say to them, I think you should let him do it. You should have been back in there but you're still in here with us and I know it's because you're stalling for time. You know they're laughing at you behind your back, I say unleash Alan on the little snotrags and let them get a taste of their own medicine. Take the children and go, I'll stay here for the moment so they won't get suspicious."

"No, you come with me. You need to rest as well. Alan can handle himself," the Doctor said. "Okay, I'll agree to this scheme just because I want to teach these yobs a lesson."

"Thank God," Tara said while her sisters nodded.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Hope cheered when the Doctor told Alan to go ahead with his plan.

"Get em, Uncle Alan," she said as she hopped up and down with excitement.

"Alan, don't go too far with this. Don't do anything that will land the Doctor in court," Rose said.

"Moi?" Alan said innocently as he pointed to himself.

"Yes, vous!" Rose said. "Humiliate them but don't anger them to the point…"

"They're not gonna sue the Doctor. They wouldn't dare," Alan said. "Besides, I have no intention of doing anything other than giving them a bunch of fake answers to their questions."

"Can I come with you? I wanna listen," Hope said, tugging on his hand.

"No, that would look odd if you suddenly showed interest in the interview. I can put a hidden camera on my body and record it for you to watch later. Okay?"

Hope nodded. Alan grinned at Rose.

"Blimey, this is going to be one hell of an interview," she said while Alan sniggered.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

After Alan used the vortex manipulator to go to the interview, the Doctor and his family snuck away and hurriedly took the TARDIS to Alan and Rose's house. Rose greeted them when they emerged from her garage and breathed a sigh of relief.

"Finally, we're out of there," Jenny said as she closed the door behind everyone. "They went on and on with the questions and I think it's because they wanted to irritate Dad."

"We kept trying to tell him to leave hours and hours ago," Tara said.

"Father is stubborn," Emi said.

"Tell me something I don't know," Rose said. "Anyway, come into the kitchen and get something to eat. Then we can tackle the Christmas tree."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Alan smirked. He was standing in the waiting room preparing himself for the interview. He made sure that his family made a successful getaway before turning his attention to the problem at hand. His brother filled him in on a few key details before leaving along with a sample of some of the questions they were asking him. He went into the TARDIS long enough to change his clothes so no one would suspect he wasn't the Doctor. Now he was ready for battle.

"Okay, you boffins, get ready for an interview you'll never forget," he said before heading out of the waiting room.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

When he found them, the three men were standing near a tea trolley. All three were sipping tea and talking quietly. They looked his way as he walked towards him. The head researcher was called Zak. He was medium height, Caucasian with short brown hair, a thin oval face and a small stud on the side of his right nostril. Zak glanced at his friends, put his Styrofoam cup down and walked up to Alan.

"You took a long time, are you feeling well, Doctor?" he said with a hint of a sneer in his voice.

"Yes, I am. I was just smacking the wife around, she was running her gob and needed discipline," Alan said without missing a beat.

Alan kept a straight face while Zak gave him an odd look.

"You were abusing your wife?" Zak said while his friends glanced at each other.

"Yeeeeah," Alan said in a perfect imitation of his brother's voice and mannerisms, "sometimes you need to show the bitch who's boss. I'm sure you understand. So," he said, slapping his hands together while Zak looked back at his friends. "shall we continue?"

"Um…yeah," Zak said, a bit thrown by the revelation that the greatest Time Lord of all was a wife beater. "We were talking about your childhood?"

"Indeed," Alan said, walking over to the trolley, "what else do you need to know?"

He glanced at Zak's friends while they made room for him at the trolley.

"We were asking about your relationship with the Master," Zak said while Alan fixed himself a cup of tea.

"Oh yes, that's right," Alan said, pouring a bit of milk into the cup. "Well…you see, it was my first sexual experience and I was introduced to the wonderful world of bondage through him…"

"Wait, what?" Zak said.

Alan smirked to himself and looked back at the befuddled researchers.

"Bondage. You know….S and M?" he said to them, keeping a straight face.

"Bondage? You and the Master had a sexual relationship?" another historian said.

Alan looked at him. He was Asian with long black hair that was kept back in a ponytail and a tiny goatee on his chiseled face. The Doctor had told him his name was Namark.

"Yes, Namark. The Master taught me all I know about sex," he said to him.

He stared at Namark's shocked expression for a moment, allowing that tidbit to sink in before he feigned realization.

"OH, YOU MEAN KOSCHEI!" he said, slapping his forehead.

"Yes," Zak said hesitantly. "That's who taught you about sex?"

"No, no, Koschei was me mate growing up," Alan said.

"And when he became the Master, he taught you about sex?" Zak said.

"Nah," Alan said, enjoying their looks of confusion.

"Then who were you talking about?" Another researcher said.

Alan glanced at the third researcher. He was called Von. Young, blonde with several piercings in his nose, ears and on his right eyebrow. He smirked briefly at the befuddled historian.

"Yes, Koschei and I were best mates," he said, deliberately changing the subject. "We used to play all day on his father's plantation. First we'd run through the fields of red grass and then we'd go out back to the cotton fields and whip the slaves into submission."

"Slaves?" Zak said.

"Yeah, Koschei's dad was the richest slave owner on Gallifrey. He had hundreds of them and some of them needed to be beaten into submission, much like the misses when she runs her gob. Stupid mouthy bitch."

"So you beat your wife often?" Von said.

"And sometimes Koschei's dad needed to kill a slave and Koschei and I would do it for him. Then we'd have to dig graves and bury the bodies before heading back to the manor house for a spot of tea."

By now, Alan could tell from their expressions that they doubted him but he sensed that they weren't entirely sure since he was supposed to be the great and venerable Doctor. He knew his brother had told the researchers he was concerned about showing the true history of Gallifrey which was why the three men were wondering if he was lying or not. Before they could ask him, he changed the subject again.

"I met Rose Tyler on a rainy day in Paris, France," he said.

He paused and fought hard to keep a straight face. By now, the three men were completely confused.

"I thought we were talking about your friendship with Koschei," Zak said.

"Rose was a delicate, fragile flower with a hot bod," Alan said, ignoring him. "When I saw her, I said to myself, I'd like to tap that ass. And so I did. And…I used the bondage techniques I learned from the Master. Goddamn, those lessons come in handy, don't they?"

It took all he had to keep a straight face because now all three men were staring at him with silent shock.

"I then took Rose into my TARDIS and beat her into submission before implanting a mind control chip in her brain. It's standard procedure for me to do so when I take on companions. Beating and chipping ensures their compliance. I can't exact my will and hold them in my thrall if they have free minds, can I?"

"Oh come on, Doctor," Von finally said. "Pull the other one."

"YOU DARE TO QUESTION ME?" Alan howled at him.

The three men took a step back in shock, cowed by the Doctor's sudden rage.

"I AM THE DOCTOR!" Alan screamed at them. "THE ONCOMING STORM, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS, THE EATER OF SOULS, THE DRINKER OF BLOOD, THE POOPER OF POO AND I WILL NOT BE DOUBTED BY ANYONE OR ANYTHING, IS THAT CLEAR!"

He shut up and let that sink in for a few seconds.

"So…shall we continue?" Alan said cheerfully.

By now, the three men were just staring at him, completely dumbfounded. Alan feigned innocence, glad that he was turning the tables on the three arrogant gits.

"We're sorry, Doctor, we meant no disrespect," Zak said.

Alan was glad he was taping this so his brother could hear that. He was wearing a contact lens camera that was recording every moment of the interview. He wondered if he should cut the interview short or let it continue on a bit more before Zak cleared his throat.

"Right. I think we're finished here," he said to Alan.

"Oh, we are?" Alan said, hiding his joy from view. "Good, I can smack the bitch around a bit more because I'm sure she did something to deserve it and then I'll just have time to put my daughters on a street corner and pimp them. Well, goodbye, gentlemen, call me when you need more information for your thingy."

And before they could respond to that, Alan ran gleefully from the room, leaving behind three confused historians.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five

By the time Alan returned home, everyone in the house was busy putting up decorations. He used the vortex manipulator so he appeared in the lounge near the front door. It took him a few seconds to get over the dizzy feeling that came with using the manipulator but in the meantime, he watched his family decorating the tree and putting up Christmas lights in the windows. The stereo was turned on and Christmas music provided a festive soundtrack to the goings-on.

It took him a second to realize that not only were Rose and the Doctor's daughters decorating the place but Jack Harkness was there as well. He bent down and picked up Speck who was now yapping and jumping up at him and held her close while he walked over to Jack.

"Where'd you come from?" he asked Jack.

"Oh. I was having an affair with Rose when everyone came home so I decided to help decorate," Jack said.

Alan grinned and wagged his finger at Rose while the women giggled at that.

"See, told ya I'd catch ya someday," Alan said to Rose.

"It's a fair cop," Rose said, holding up her hands.

"Where's Brother though?" Alan said, looking around.

"He's in the kitchen," Sokanon said.

"Yeah, he's talking to Xashon about the idiots," Namid added.

Alan walked past them to the kitchen. As he drew closer to the kitchen door, he smelt the wonderful aroma of hot tea and heard the voice of the Doctor. He entered the room and the Doctor smiled and waved to him. He was at the kitchen table talking on the mobile to Xashon. Alan put Speck down and went to fix a cup of tea while he listened to the Doctor.

"I'm not trying to be a wet blanket about this, Xashon," the Doctor was saying. "It's not like I've had people taunting me before but it's one thing to do that and quite another to construct an entire museum. We already have one museum dedicated to Gallifreyan history so I think they're really out to embarrass me. But anyway, I wanted to bring it to your attention. I might be overreacting but…"

He fell silent while Xashon said something to him. Alan finished making his cup of tea and turned around, leaning his butt against the Formica counter while he sipped it and watched his brother. The Doctor was nodding and murmuring "Uh-huh" and "Mm-hm" while Alan savored the warm tea going down his throat. Alan glanced over at Rose when she came into the room.

"So how'd it go?" Rose asked Alan softly.

"Ooh, I think I confused them sufficiently. I'll go in Daisy in a moment and upload the footage to a DVD disc. I just needed a quick cuppa."

"Okay," the Doctor said to Xashon, "I can do that. When would be a good time then?"

"Our children and Chas are coming over later," Rose said to Alan. "Rain's going to help me fix supper for everyone."

"Brilliant," Alan said.

"Well," the Doctor said after ending the phone call, "Xashon wants me to go with her tomorrow and go speak with the berks about their little project. Turns out they never got approval from the council and lied when they filled out all the necessary forms to build that thing."

"Ooo, vaporization for them then," Alan said.

The Doctor got up and put his mobile in his pocket.

"All that just reinforces my suspicion that they were only doing this as a way to humiliate me. Most of the questions they asked me have already been answered and stored in the archives. I told them as much but they insisted on speaking to me personally."

"Ooo, mate them with Zygons then vaporize them," Alan said.

The Doctor snorted at that.

"No, sorry. The last thing we need is shape shifting berks running around," he said. "So…will I expect someone to come round and arrest me now?"

"For what?" Alan said.

"For what you said, whatever you said, to the berks," the Doctor said. "What did you say to them, if I might ask?"

"I'm going to upload it to a DVD for your viewing pleasure," Alan said.

"Will someone be arresting me?" the Doctor said.

"Probably not but I confuzzled the hell outta them," Alan said.

The Doctor looked at Rose.

"Let me guess. He told them I was a cross-dressing, pot smoking vampire that likes picking up children in my TARDIS and selling them to sweatshops in China for a tidy profit," he said to her.

"No, but that's brilliant. I'll have to remember that for next time," Alan said.

Rose giggled when the Doctor shook his head.

"You know, if it wasn't for me, you'd be sectioned by now, I'm sure of it," the Doctor said before leaving the room.

"Is that true?" Alan said to Rose.

"Errrrm, yeah," Rose said.

"You mean the Doctor could have sent me to the Home for the Mentally Challenged Splody People?" Alan said.

"No, he'd probably send you to some cat lady somewhere and you could tend to her cats," Rose said.

"And make them go splody?"

"You're fixated on that, aren't ya?"

"On splody? Too right I am. I was born in battle, remember. Jenny was born in battle and she liked making things go splody, am I right?"

"Well, yeah, I suppose so," Rose said.

"Emi was born in battle and she likes…well, she likes head chopping more than splody but you get my meaning."

"Yup," Rose said as Alan came closer to her. "So what did you tell these people anyway?"

"That my brother was a wife beater who pimped his children on street corners."

Rose looked at his face and her eyes widened when she realized he wasn't joking.

"Seriously? You told them that?" she said.

"Well, I could have used the whole cross-dressing, pot smoking vampire thing if I'd thought of it at the time."

"Oh my God, Alan, you better hide then."

"Why?"

"Because you'll get a beating. Not only from the Doctor but Rain as well."

"Nah, not afraid of them. I'm the Oncoming Cross-Dressing Pot Smoking Vampire. Nothing can harm me."

He kissed the top of Rose's head and left the room. Rose stood there for a moment, wondering if she should tell the Doctor what she learned and prepare him for the DVD. She decided that perhaps it would be best if he knew so she left the room. Alan was going into the garage as she entered the lounge. Rose waited till he shut the door before walking over to the Doctor who was chatting with Jack as the two of them decorated the Christmas tree. Rose walked up behind the Doctor and tapped him on the shoulder. The Doctor looked over his shoulder with a questioning look on his face.

"Yeeees?" he said while Jack looked over his shoulder at her.

"Okay," Rose said. "He said that part of what he said to those people was you were a wife beater who pimped your children on street corners."

Rain was walking towards the tree with a couple of ornaments and froze in her tracks when she heard that. Jack guffawed as the Doctor looked at him.

"Wow, that's tamer than I thought it'd be," he said to Jack while Rain shook her head and walked to the tree.

"What if they leak that to the press?" Jack said to the Doctor.

"I threaten to sue and get a retraction and an apology, that's what happens if it leaks to the press. Not to mention I'll have Alan tell them it was him instead of me and it was a joke. Most people know I have a twin anyway. And most people know me and my story and that's about as far from my behavior as you can get."

"Can I leak to the press that I'm bonking Rose Tyler?" Jack said.

He grinned when Rose chortled at that.

"Would anyone care?" Rain said, leaning around the tree to look at Jack.

"They might if I use photoshop and some porn websites and fabricate some evidence of it," Jack said. "Actually, I could photoshop in your wife too and maybe Donna and Martha and Julie and Serena and Koschei and Duer and Adam and a big blue alien fuzzball thing and a turd and…"

"Okay, Harkness, I think we get the point now," the Doctor said while his family giggled.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Alan waited until his children and Chaska came over and the meal was over and done with. The Doctor told his son what was going on while Rose did the same with her children. By the time the DVD was ready for viewing, everyone was aware of the subject matter. Alan proudly played the footage for them while everyone stood or sat in front of the TV and watched it. The children were all giggling at the footage while the Doctor and Jack gave each other bemused looks.

"I love how you managed to sneak in the bitch insult," Rain said dryly to Alan.

"Well, I thought it might shock them if I said that," Alan said.

"No, you wanted to say it, regardless," Rain said.

"So, Doctor," Jack said when they finished watching it. "When did my beating and chipping occur? I don't remember being beaten into submission and chipped into enslavement."

"No, me either," Rose said.

"I wiped your memories the way I had to wipe Donna's memories. That's why you don't remember it," the Doctor said while his family laughed. "Trust me, it did occur. It's standard procedure for all companions going back to Ian and Barbara."

"Well, that explains the fuzzy feeling I have in my brain from time to time," Jack said. "That and the insane need to drop to my knees and…"

Everyone laughed when Jack feigned shock and suddenly fell to his knees in front of the Doctor, prostrating himself and worshipping him while the Doctor sniggered.

"See, my willing disciple," the Doctor said, pointing to Jack while he pretended to kiss the Doctor's Converse. "As I said, it's common practice."

"Oh, Doctor, you alien hunk, you," Jack said breathlessly as he grabbed onto the bottom of the Doctor's jacket. "Sire, let me service you in the manner to which you're accustomed."

"Okay, his chip needs a bit of adjustment now," the Doctor said while everyone laughed.

"Daddy, what's service you mean?" Hope asked.

The Doctor gave Jack a pointed look and everyone laughed harder when Hope waited for an answer. Jack got up and leaned down to put his arm around Hope.

"I was talking about bringing him ice cream and biscuits, that's what servicing means," he said to her.

"Oh. Okay," Hope said.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

(Later on that night…)

The Doctor was up late, sitting on the sofa in his lounge long after everyone else had gone to bed. Their Christmas tree was by the holotelevision and it was turned on. The colored lights softly glowed while the Doctor gazed at it, lost in his thoughts. He heard a rumble and glanced out the sliding glass doors that led to the patio and pool. In the distance, he could see the sky light up briefly from an oncoming thunder storm. Their part of New Gallifrey had climate much like Arizona which mean it was chilly in wintertime but still warm enough for thunderstorms to occur from time to time. He turned his attention to the doors and watched the clouds light up and listened to the soft rumbling in the distance. As he watched the storm, he sensed someone was watching him. He looked over to the stairs and saw Hope sitting halfway down, arms around her drawn up knees.

"You okay?" he asked her as she stood up and came down.

"Couldn't sleep," Hope said, walking over to him.

"Why? What's wrong?" he said as Hope sat down next to him on the sofa.

"Thinkin'" Hope said.

"About what?" the Doctor said, putting his arm around her.

"Those mean people. Are they gonna do anything to you?"

The Doctor was a bit shocked at that but he smiled.

"Nah," he said. "They can't do much because they lied to the council to begin with. They didn't get permission to build that museum so anything I said or your uncle said to them doesn't matter. They can't tell it to the newspapers because too many people know me and know the truth and I seriously doubt they'll harm me physically. I could wipe the floor with all three of them."

"I don't like it when people hate you," Hope said.

The Doctor smiled warmly at that.

"Well, it's a good thing you haven't been around for centuries then," he said, rubbing her arm. "There's been plenty of people who've hated me."

"What'd you do when they did that?"

"I crammed them into a hollowed out pumpkin and lit them on fire and made them into a jack-o-lantern."

He smiled when Hope giggled at that and kissed the top of her head.

"Does that ease your fears then?" he asked her.

"Yeah," Hope said, nodding.

"Ready to go back to sleep yet?"

"No, I wanna stay up a bit and watch the storm."

"Okay," the Doctor said.

They watched the storm which was now growing in intensity for a moment.

"Daddy?"

"Hm?"

"Do you want me to service you?"

Hope frowned when the Doctor sniggered at that for a few seconds before sobering up.

"Um…no, that's fine. I'm fine," the Doctor said. "Do me a favor and don't say that to me in public, okay? Uncle Jack lied to you about what that means. It's to do with sex but don't tell your mum I told you, yeah?"

"Okay, Daddy. Are you hungry though?"

"Nah, I'm good. Had a good meal tonight and I'm fine and dandy," the Doctor said, patting his tummy. "Just sit with me awhile and that's all I need."

Hope nodded and cuddled with her father. The storm raged outside and the rain fell hard but all of it proved to be soothing to her and she slowly nodded off. The Doctor waited until he was sure she was fast asleep before getting up, carefully gathering her into his arms and holding her close, went upstairs with her to her bedroom.

THE END.


End file.
